Not now... Someday

At English class,

The teacher required us with several topics to debate about. Some chose Divorce others about women rights.. and then came my turn and my Friend's as well. as we walked toward the front of the class room. The teacher explained " Azza and R*, you both going to debate about love - meaning 'relationships before marriage that nowadays youth have'.. Each one of you have to choose if you are against or with the whole idea of love". I chose to be against it since I don't believe in it and it's all about shallow feelings.

My friend goes first and went on how love is important and she believes that without love, happiness won't exist and it's a base to build a couple's life. And it doesn't have to be like attraction and dirty thoughts. - I extremely disagreed with her.

That second I couldn't not to interpret her as it doesn't make any sense to me. I explained,
" I believe that every and each person in this class room has experienced the feeling of liking someone or at least has/had a crush on someone. And all you felt is how beautiful it is and feeling like your on top of the world and how most of girls would be like, god how I missed talking to him and how sweet he is. And guess what! it's all in your head. At this age girls (as well as the boys) a period of getting mature means you just got out of childhood and getting ready for something bigger and being independent, unfortunately youths think by this way, the society would accept them as adults."

R asked "What about you're in relationship with someone that you're so sure you'll end up getting married to him? What about someone you really trust and you're so sure he loves enough he won't hurt you and cares about your reputation"

I replied wisely "What makes you sure he's not playing around like any guy?.. The girls sits around having no clue what will happen next if the guy would marry her (as most of the girls in our Omani society think this way). More than 97% of Arab people are against that the thought of having a relationship before getting married wont work out with them and even if it did work out, there won't be any trust in both sides or they'll end up by having a divorce "
I was surprised that the girls cheered for me as the agreed with everything I said. and heard the background of the class saying " she has a point", " I totally agree", "yes!", and "well done".

I have to admit it felt so good!!!

R started laughing and talking in Arabic, saying " la2, ma dayman.. ana a3rf nas fne-hya tzawaju o 3ndhum awalad el 7een" meaning No! there' s an exception I know people they got married and now they have kids.

I said, " there's an exception that's for sure but I'm talking about the case in general."

The end of English class.

As I walked through the door my friend H* walked with me to another class and said" I wanna know who you will end up with.. I wanna see you in love." I laughed and replied her, " I don't know about that... But who knows.. maybe someday however, not any time soon."

That made me think what is love? or will I ever be one of the girls who are deeply in love? My mind answered:Not now...Someday.. Maybe becuase I'm still young, maybe it's just thought I can't get it out of my mind. Or maybe, Someday I'll prove myself wrong. God only knows.

Is it getting any better now?

I have been trying and I'm still trying to handle all the things I have done from the last few months. All the drama that happened to me last summer and working on my social life, and getting to my old life and how I used to enjoy every part of it. Now, I have noticed that I can't get it back again for several reasons. I don't want to complain about what's going on with me nor sound like a total drama queen. Everyone has their ups and downs, and I'm one of them.

Firstly, last summer, I was kind of person who wants to stay in her comfort zone. I was away from my friends - I rarely talk to them. I mean, everyone need a group of friends to hang out with and just have some fun. and now I have been working on reconnect with my friends that I haven't been hanging out with.

Secondly, School - always been an issue ... When school started I admit, I wasn't that ready and fully prepared as a 12th grader. instead I was freaking out on how am I going to mange this knowing that this year is the key to my future and to open doors I want by my effort and hard work. Even though, I knew all these facts, I messed up and I have missed a lot of things in my studies due to my laziness and me being totally reckless.
And that appeared in my work. That what made my teachers noticed. As well as my mother who is pushing and asking me to work harder than I do. I know that my mother has all the right to do that as it's my final year and all. But, the guilt is killing me and I have been really hard on my self. I took all the responsibility for those consciousness. I have already blaming myself for this. It's much harder than I thought it would be.

Lastly, I came up with some solutions that could help me get through this;
1. Time management.
2. Motivation.
3. Believing in myself.
4. Inspiration.
5. Faith.
6. Hope

xo